Self’s the Man

Oh, no one can deny / That Arnold is less selfish than I. / He married a woman to stop her getting away / Now she’s there all day, // And the money he gets for wasting his life on work / She takes as her perk / To pay for the kiddies’ clobber and the drier / And the electric fire, // And when he finishes supper / Planning to have a read at the evening paper / It’s Put a screw in this wall — / He has no time at all, // With the nippers to wheel round the houses / And the hall to paint in his old trousers / And that letter to her mother / Saying Won’t you come for the summer. // To compare his life and mine / Makes me feel a swine: / Oh, no one can deny / That Arnold is less selfish than I. // But wait, not so fast: / Is there such a contrast? / He was out for his own ends / Not just pleasing his friends; // And if it was such a mistake / He still did it for his own sake, / Playing his own game. / So he and I are the same, // Only I’m a better hand / At knowing what I can stand / Without them sending a van — / Or I suppose I can.